Things Not To Do When Dating

Here is the best relationship advice I can offer to you from my own experience in the dating world. It is relevant for both men and women of any age or stage of life. I have learnt so much from stupid mistakes, not knowing better and just putting my faith in someone I didn’t know that well.

I will start with the biggies. The VIPs. These ones are critical. Take it in people, wash it around and learn from my mistakes. Or… prepare to learn from your own.

·       Do not date someone in secret. Never. If there is a reason for your relationship to be hidden or concealed from others, then you should probably not be in that relationship. Something is wrong there. If it is not okay now, it probably will never be okay. Seriously consider your relationship and what you are putting at risk if this is you. I have been there, done that, and it takes away the thrill of being in love, the fun of going out on dates and sharing stories with your girlfriends. As nice as he was, I know I should never have gone there or got involved. He should have known better as well.

·       Do not force yourself to feel something for your mate. Don’t make stories up in your head that things are better than they are between you guys. It’s probably your ego wanting this person to be the one. If something feels off, there probably is a reason why. I remember going on a date with a guy and telling myself how nice it was and how compatible we were, then proceeded to tell family and friends how cool the date was. The next day when I was real with myself, I realised how we were not compatible at all. He never asked me anything about myself and was only interested in talking himself up and boosting his esteem. There was no chemistry, no connection and of course no second date. Forget your ego for a minute and get real.  

·       Do not solve their problems. You are not their mum or personal assistant. Let him figure his shit out. A good guy will respect you and work things out without having to rely on involve you personally. You can help out and/or work together, but it is not up to you to take it on as your problem. I dated a guy from overseas and tried to get a visa for him to visit Australia. He did not want any part of it; he claimed he would not be much help as his English wasn’t great, so it was all on me. It was a huge undertaking and stress I put on myself. Never again.

·       Do not chase him/her. It is a bigger thrill if you let them chase you. And they will. Give them time. Don’t panic. If he doesn’t, he is not the one for you and you are better off. Let him call you, message you, come to you. It’s hard I know. But it is for your benefit. Consider how it sounds, if it is always you instigating communication. Poor form, give him a chance to prove that he likes you as much as you like him. Do not come across as pushy or needy. Work on that. It’s not attractive.

·       Do not over compliment your mate in the ‘getting to know you’ phase and be wary if they are complimenting you excessively. They are probably saying things that they think you want to hear. Be careful of their motives. I went out with a guy, and on our second date, he was shouting out to strangers as we walked along the street ‘I love her’. I should have been onto him straight away. Love doesn’t work like that. Take care. Do not trust everyone. Some people are just full of it. Have you douche bag radar on and listen to your gut. If it’s not feeling right, move on, get out of there or make a phone call.

·       Do not come across as desperate. Don’t drive by their house to see if they are home. Don’t go past his work to see just a second of the back of him. That’s not healthy. That’s a stalker. I once dated a guy who only lived ten houses away. I couldn’t help but drive past his house, but once I noticed his car out or even a new car parked out the front of his house, immediately I started creating stories in my head and doubting our relationship. Don’t torture yourself. Man, your mind likes to funk with you.

·       Do not rush to be vulnerable. Protect your heart a little, in the beginning at least. When you start to feel more comfortable and can trust them, that’s when you start to reveal more of your heart. Listen to your inner voice, your higher self. It will tell you the truth. Go slow in all aspects of the relationship. Don’t rush into his bed, meeting his family or his friends. Get to know him for who he is. Just chill together. I’m speaking from experience when I say I know slow is painful. Slow is difficult, but in the end, you will see it is for the best. You probably have both been hurt in the past, and it takes time, patience, and trust to open your heart again. Be sure this is the right person for you.

·       Do not talk about your future together too early. I mean wait at least six months before you discuss certain things, or you may scare them off. After four months of dating a guy, I was ready to assign him as my superannuation beneficiary. When I think of it now, that’s crazy! I barely knew him. I’m still seeing the guy, 12 months later and there is still have so much to learn about him.  

·       Do not be too nice. Do not shower someone with gifts, food or your time too quickly. Get to know them first and whether they are worth your time, money and energy. Do not pay for everything. Ensure they pay their half, their way or shout every so often. They may be with you just for your money and for a free ride. It may be a little uncomfortable when the bill arrives; however, it is better to see them for what they are earlier in the relationship rather than later down the track. And girls, do not buy a guy a drink unless you are interested in them. Messages may get mixed.

·       Do not change your plans for him/her – especially last minute. It doesn’t look good for whoever you are dogging out on to be with them. Even if you have an overseas trip planned, go! Now is a great time to get out, catch up with friends, and make plans, so they see you as having a life. They will soon learn they must book you in, in advance and last minute is not okay. Having a social life, working, being confident and having your shit together is attractive to a potential partner. Do not rely on this new person for your happiness. Find your inner happiness first. Understand that you do not need to be with this person. I am sure it is nice, and you enjoy it but don’t attach yourself. If it does end, you will be okay without this person in your life. Attachment leads to suffering.

·       Do not rush to their place. The number of times I have sped to his place is crazy. I could have been fined, had an accident or caused injuries. Luckily, I never have. But now looking back, I think, what was I rushing for? Only to get an extra minute being with him and funny thing is, sometimes he wasn’t even home yet. Keep yourself in check. Don’t fret; he will be still there waiting for you. Unless, of course, you are constantly late. He will soon get sick of that. If it is meant to be, there is no rush. You have your whole future together.

Well, what do you think of all that? The don’ts. The things not to do when starting a relationship. Can you relate? Do you think I am justified? Of course, every relationship is different; every person has different values; no one is perfect. But we can learn. We can learn from each other. I would love to take on any advice you can offer. Feel free to add to the conversation in the comments below.