I Deserve Better

After years of never feeling good enough, being ashamed of who I was and forever hiding my thoughts and feelings so as not to upset anyone, I finally saw through it all. I was done being played, manipulated and used. I finally stood up for myself. I finally saw my worth. I finally found my strength to do what was best, which was to walk away. Despite being wise to their motives and seeing right through them, I put up with their pathetic behaviours. As I sat there furious at myself for being a target yet again, I wrote this letter to remind myself that I am okay. I am not trash. I am an intelligent woman. I deserve better.

Note to myself: I am proud of myself, the person I am and the qualities I possess. I am a sensitive person, and I am okay with that. Sensitive people are special. They put themselves in other shoes. They make the best of friends. I will sit with my feelings and be the best version of myself. I will heal myself. I am not a burden. I am a gift to be around. I will see anxiety as a lesson to learn from and an evaluation tool to reflect on my life. 

Manipulation is a cruel obsession and is a despicable quality. It is not okay to be someone's punching bag. I deserve more than that. I deserve to be spoken to and treated respectfully. I am a human being. I will not be treated as anything less. I will only surround myself with caring and kind natured people. 

I will not be controlled. I am free to explore the world and figure it out. I am free to experience great adventures and make amazing memories and moments. I am free to do as I please without fear of being judged. I give myself permission to love myself without needing to be loved by another. I am unique; I am different. I always have been. I loved it then, and I will embrace that now. I will not lose my definition of myself in this world because of your insecurities. 

Silence is okay despite what others think. I relish in it. I will always take the time to look at the stars and appreciate what I have. I have fire in my belly. I create my own destiny. I can make myself happy. I do not need to rely on others for my happiness.

These people mean nothing. These people have their own trauma. These people are obviously hurt. These people don’t understand. It is not my job to fix them. I do not need to give them a second more of my precious time. Life is too short to be in pain. I have a good life. I will do everything to love my life and enjoy all moments from now on.

So why then were people constantly taking advantage of me? I figure it has something to do with my empathetic nature. My understanding ways. My way of letting people off the hook and giving them a second chance when they didn’t even deserve my time in the first place. My innocence. My insecurities. My need for acceptance. My belief that all people are good at heart. When actually, not all people are good people. I just learnt the hard way. I figure their behaviour, intentions and cruelty says more about them; then it does about me. They are the ones that need help. They are the ones that need to learn to accept themselves. They are the ones who need to deal with their inadequacies.

So for those today who have been in a similar situation I hope my letter serves to remind you that you too are worthy, you deserve better, and you don’t need to be someone’s punching bag. Again, you are worthy, you deserve better, and you don’t need to be someone’s punching bag.

Have you been on the receiving end of narcissistic behaviour? What did it take you to figure out that you deserved better? Where did you gain your strength from to remove yourself? How did you learn to protect yourself? If you are up to, feel free to share your story below…