Conditional Love Sets You Up For Failed Relationships
It is common knowledge that you must love someone unconditionally in order for the relationship to prosper and be successful.
Yet that is made difficult when you are someone like me, that carries conditional love trauma and hurt from childhood. When you grow up believing that someone will only love you if… you are the best, do the best, look the best…. I find myself constantly striving in relationships, constantly trying to be ‘loveable’ and keep others happy, despite what I am feeling.
Then in my attempt to be ‘loveable’, I have put that back on my boyfriends. I have a tendency to put conditions on them. And learnt over time, that only leads to heartache. Does anyone else find this? How many times have you caught yourself putting conditions on your partner?
I recently was listening to a podcast episode by Simple Families called ‘Be Like Bamboo’. It was an interview with Iris Chen who is the author of Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent. It was all about unconditional love and really caught my attention. She discusses her journey from leaving behind authoritarian tiger parenting to embracing a respectful, relational way of raising children. It brought up triggering memories of growing up constantly trying to please others because that was how I learnt I would receive love.
It is obviously not healthy and is just something else I am personally working on. When I stop trying so hard, I realise how unhappy I am. I don’t need to keep persisting or putting in so much effort. It shouldn’t be that tough. Love is not something that needs to be earned.
When I release the conditions off myself, then loving someone unconditionally comes easier. Learning to love someone for who they are, not what they could be, has been one of the greatest lessons in the history of my relationships.
In the past, I have fallen for guys who are good guys but could do with a few tweaks. I have stayed in the relationship because I have hoped and prayed that they would change. It wasn’t until I realised that they were not going to change, that, that wasn’t good enough for me. I had a choice to make; either love them for who they were now or get out.
So how do you love someone unconditionally;
it begins with accepting them for who they are; the way they talk, the clothes they were, their career choice…
love yourself unconditionally. Feel proud of yourself
stop trying to fix your partner or make them happy. They are in charge of their happiness. Will Smith agrees “her happiness is not my responsibility. She should be happy and I should be happy individually. Then we come together and share our happiness. Giving someone a responsibility to make you happy when you can't do it for yourself is selfish”
stop looking for better. Remember no one is perfect
have healthy boundaries in place; your partner is not your responsibility
feel into the love they give and have faith it will continue to grow
be open with each other. Melissa Ambrosini calls it CCC - Crystal Clear Communication. Do it without aggression, or the need to win or have the last word
support each other in your endeavours
respect each other and give love to each other freely
let your guard down and let yourself be loved
Unconditional love is d the total acceptance of someone, but it does not mean tolerating abuse, neglect, or other deal-breakers. Be wise and do not give second or third chances to those who do not deserve them or your love.
I grew up like many others of my generation, believing that love is conditional. I thought I had to be perfect in order to be loved. That I had to do things or give things to make others happy. It has been a huge journey to unlearn this and delve into the issues that were caused by this false belief. Do you find yourself easily able to love unconditionally or is it something you need to remind yourself of? We would love it if you joined the conversation and left a comment below.