You make sense. You are a good egg. You are trustworthy, dependable, and don’t pick fault or complain. You’re safe. You are the sensible choice. 

That just about sums up me.

He tells me he loves me - when I ask why? He tells me because he feels it when he says it. Is it unrealistic of me to want more? I want to know why, what it is about me that makes me special? I need words. I need confirmation.

But in his mind, or maybe it’s just in my mind, I’m not special. I’m safe. I give him what he needs, but for some reason, I’m sitting here empty, not getting what I need. 

I want to be loved whole and complete. I want to be passionately loved. I want someone who thinks I’m the best and can tell me so. I want someone who thinks I’m the bee’s knees and they are the luckiest guy to be with me. 

So when I stand up and speak my voice, asking for what I need, it is met with defensiveness, misunderstood, and never taken seriously. Then that brings up all my insecurities, past relationships, and triggers.

If you are in a similar boat, and I don’t expect you are, in my mind, it’s just me and everyone else is in perfect, loving relationships. But anywho, listen to Kat John on her latest podcast episode - Expect This When You Go After What You Desire - it’s about when you speak up for what your heart and soul need, and your ego rears up to protect you. We become forced to confront our deepest wounds and limiting stories and beliefs. That’s the stage I’m at. Again working on myself and my head. Working out what’s wrong with me, where I’m self-sabotaging and the thoughts I just can’t let go of.

It’s easy to make excuses, which I’ve been doing to protect my heart. He has a lot going on. He has trauma. He suffers from OCD and has mental health challenges. He has depression. Therefore, there’s not much space in there for me. So I make myself as small and insignificant as I can. I don’t ask for much. I don’t add pressure. I don’t want to add to his stress. 

But in the end, I lost myself. it happens with all the guys I am with. It’s worse this time because I have been questioning why I am here for years now. It’s worse because I’ve been holding his hand, faking it, being empathic when all I want to do is scream, ‘What about me?

He loves me with his head, not his heart. Which means I lead from my head. It compromises our relationship. I believe at times, his heart must be broken. He is not capable of feeling love or giving love. He lacks thoughtfulness, care, and respect from the heart.

He does the things he head says are right; he pays for coffee, snuggles at night, is home for dinner, and says yes to make me happy. 

But there’s no expression from his heart. No flowers, no offer to make a cup of tea, no compliments or asks about my day. It’s a lonely world in my head, asking for more. 

I used to think I could teach him that I would be the one that could help him to love again. But it hasn’t happened and it’s not healthy thinking.

I take full responsibility. I am passive and don’t ask for what I need. I people please and give more than I should. I am supportive and over-generous with my time, money and compliments. I don’t do relationships well. I am hopeless at boundaries and I avoid conflict at all costs. 

It’s coming time for me to make a choice. Do I stay and fight for what could be great, asking for what I need or take the easy route, and leave? At least I know I won’t be breaking his heart.