Have you ever got to a point where you question every decision you have made in your life?

Maybe there’s been a big trigger like the common three - a death, divorce or disease?

No? Yes? Well, that’s me this week.

Here I am contemplating every choice I have made so far and then reassuring myself it’s all going to be okay. It could be that it’s that time of the month, a new moon or just the fact that I am on holidays with way too much time to think.

Not with regret because I purposely choose to live a life with no regrets but with retrospect and I’ve also fallen into the trap of comparison. It happens every now and then but it’s not something I usually hold on to but this week its been lingering.

It all stemmed from going to morning tea with my parents last week, at one of their friends’ homes. I have known them for years and they are a beautiful couple. It was all going smashingly until birthdays came up in conversation and I made the fleeting comment that I was turning 40 at the end of this year. My dad’s friends turned to me and asked ‘how do you feel about that?’.

BAM!

How do I feel about turning 40?

It is not something I have ever given much thought to, if at all, before this week. Age has never really held any importance to me. It’s not something I talk about, its not something I think about or have an issue with. It’s just like petrol prices. You can’t do much about it, it is what it is.  

So how do I feel about turning 40?

I mean, it’s just another year older. I feel fine. I am healthy. I think I have a good body. I am proud of where I have been, what I have worked through and where I am going. I am at a good chapter of my life. I am a different person than the one I was at twenty or even thirty.

After losing two of my best friends at the age of seventeen and another at twenty I am well aware that a long life is never guaranteed, and I make every effort to live my life consciously. I mean, you should see my goal list and vision for this year. It’s a checklist waiting to be checked off.

I am dating a guy eleven years older than me but age rarely comes up in our conversations. It truly doesn’t matter. I don’t have time for the people who may stare or things his friends might joke about. I am happy, that’s all that counts in my mind.

But…

then I got lost in the downward spiral of questioning everything about my life as I know it. All my life choices. What milestones should I have kicked? Or amazing things should I have done? What does a successful forty-year-old look like?

I came up with - They should be married with kids. Fourty-year-olds should own a house and have a permanent job.

I know lots of forty-year-olds who have that life and are happy. I started to compare my life with family and friends. I started to feel uneasy. I started to question my identity and why I didn’t have those things.

But then the comparison game stopped and I realised I don’t have those things because I have never wanted those things. I panic at the mere thought of kids, or going back on a class full time or getting married. It’s not what I want at all. I value freedom and life with as little stress as possible, and that’s what I pretty much have as I near forty.

I haven’t had a permanent position since 2016 but I don’t want one either. I am loving the freedom a temporary position gives me. I am loving not feeling stressed, overworked or tired. I am enjoying life so much more than trying to cram working full time with everything else. I have more time for my blog, for my boyfriend, and my health this way and it’s a win-win.

I love teaching and love the kids I teach but I also love coming home to a quiet house of an afternoon. Not having children is a decision I made a long time ago, and I am not ready to change my mind about that either. I get to enjoy being an aunty and hanging out with friends’ children is on the top of my list of fun things to do but I love handing them back as well.

I may not own my own home but I don’t want that financial pressure. I wouldn’t be able to adventure or travel as much as I do if I had a house. I would be working just to pay the mortgage, rather than working because it gives me purpose. I couldn’t just up and move, or try different places out. I wouldn’t have the freedom that I have now. I have plenty of savings so it means I am set for that one day when I am ready, but for now, that’s not happening any time soon. My boyfriend is currently finishing his renovations so it means I get to join in the fun of decorating and styling a home without it being a burden all on me.

By forty you would assume marriage would be on the cards. But again it is something I have never had a desire to do. A forever boyfriend sounds better to me. Yes, I’ve been engaged but that was never going to eventuate. I am glad I listened to my gut instinct.

I have a cool car and love living simply and as a minimalist. I don’t need all the extras sitting in the garage or filling the cupboards. That’s not me.

So while I have been re-evaluating my life over the past week, I can justify that I feel good about my life. I am happy. I am healthy. I have freedom which is priceless. I am ready to turn forty and I’m okay with that.

What is something you are currently reevaluating or justifying? We would love it if you joined the conversation and left a comment below.